Desires and Fear

So, my desire to write something everyday is not off to a great start, but I am not giving up. I have so many things that could write about, but it feels like they are all thoughts that are out there already. I am not sure why that should bother me. I also fee like I am singing the same song I have been for years, which is one of wanting change, not really knowing what I want, feeling fearful of making any significant change, and staying status quo.

Be the change you want to see in the world. - Mahatma Ghandi

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" - Lao Tzu. 

Just Do It. - Nike

If you want to fly, you have to give up everything that weighs you down.- Toni Morrison

I am not sure when I started having this fear of jumping in with both feet. I think the last decision I made with a firm commitment was to my divorce - I knew I needed change, but when the dust had settled, I spent many nights wondering if I had acted too rashly - should I have given marriage counselling more of a chance? Even after a failed attempt at a reconciliation, I still wonder, "did I make the right decision." Truthfully, I still 14 years later miss his companionship.

Then there are the poor financial choices along the way that I am just coming out of. I am not a saver, though I am getting better. 

I want to meet someone for the next part of my life

I want to travel more; but I am afraid of spending too much money and not having enough to take care of myself when I retire

I want to do something I enjoy every day and not feel trapped by finances. I make a good salary but live in a painfully expensive part of the country. Why not move somewhere warmer and do something else?

Oof as I write this I hear myself sounding victim-y and poor-is-me. I know I have a lot to be grateful for and I am.

I just have to get motivated and determine a plan? WHY does that feel so hard?