Why Now?

When first stared taking an antidepressant I was 25 years old and I would have taken anything to feel better. To be honest, I am not sure it would have mattered to me at the time if someone had said, “this medication might be hard to come off of down the road.” I felt awful and was scared witless that I would feel this way forever. I was too worried I was “going crazy” to worry about long term effects. I just wanted to feel better. And I did...until I didn't...

Through my 30’s and 40’s I just took the meds. I followed my doctor’s guidance. The only time I thought I about coming off of the medication was when I thought about trying to get pregnant. I pretty quickly found out, that for unrelated reasons, I could not get pregnant, so there was no need to try to come off. 

Many symptoms — emotional numbness, forgetfulness and cognitive dissonance just felt like part of what life was. Even my doctor said, “I have a lot of women who feel these things.” My goal was to not feel like a freight train was running through the middle of my chest or like I wanted to cry all the time, I was fine. 

Fine. 

That became the mantra of my 40’s. I got divorced, I was fine. I learned to support myself, I was fine. I lived alone I was fine. I had a good job, I was fine. I had a supportive family, I was fine. 

Only I felt pretty lousy sometimes. 

Then COVID happened, and coming out of COVID (which thank goodness I never had or had symptoms of), I felt more numb than fine (I think the term is cognitive dissonance). My not-so-great superpower is appearing fine when I am really not fine. 

I mean I am FINE, but there are days when I have to MAKE myself do what I know I need to do — get up, make the bed, go to work, walk the dog, eat. Maybe this is what functional depression is, or as another doctor labeled me, maybe it is just being dysthymic, or maybe it is just getting through life.

Along with the standard label side effects of lower appetite, fatigue, and decreased libido, I intuitively began to feel the affects the drug becoming me. I had come to accept these feelings for a long time, because there always seemed to be something else to attribute it to: the stress of a divorce, challenges with finances, and the big one (early) menopause. There were always people trying to be helpful and telling me “these things happen as you age.” 

Maybe they do, maybe they don’t, but I was starting to feel like I needed to find out who I was without the medication. Back July of 2024 after a failed attempt to come off Lexapro when my psychiatrist (a medical doctor) suggested going from 20mg to 15mg. Within a week I knew this approach would not work and I realized I had to find another way. Dropping to 15mg from 20mg at one time felt like a tsunami hit me. I felt edgy and emotional, with surges of mini rage. I felt shaky and had headaches. So I went back to 20mg and started to feel better — and knew I had a problem. 

I didn’t know then what I have learned in the months since. 

Antidepressants have a significant impact on many of the systems in your body, and when you have been on them for any decent amount of time, it alters you. Not everyone has trouble coming off them, but almost everyone who tries to come off them quickly will feel some kind of withdrawal. I now follow the Lexapro Support, Withdrawal and Recovery page on Facebook where a group of people who have come off or are trying to come off Lexapro support each other. I researched several sites and this one seemed backed by research, as well as experience and the group was insightful and incredibly helpful with all my questions. I also follow the survivingantidepressants.com website, and have done a lot of my own reading. 

The last week of September 2024, I started to taper off of Lexapro again, this time following the Deprescribing Guidelines of Dr. Mark Horwitz. In a nutshell, I taper very slowly, 10% or less each time, and I lower the percentage of the drop as I go lower. In between doses I hold a minimum of 4–6 weeks and sometimes longer — sometimes much longer, until I feel stable again. 

In four months I have been able to reduce from 20mg to 13.5 mg with relatively few symptoms. From everything I have read it gets harder the lower you go, especially below 5mg. 

The timeline below outlines the reductions I have done so far. 

• September 22 — switched form 20mg pill form to 10 mg pill and 10 mg liquid 
• October 22–10mg pill/8mg liquid 
• November 22–10 mg pill/6.5 mg liquid 
• December 27–10mg pill/ 5mg liquid January 25–10mg pill/3.5 mg liquid 

For most of the reductions, I have felt OK. When I do feel symptoms they usually start 2–4 days after a reduction and last a week or two. This last drop to 13.5 has had me feeling the most so far, a bit emotional and edgy, (which is kind of good since I have been numb for years), and with some GI issues. 

I have so many feelings about all of this - anger over how no one medically ever questioned if I should have been on this so long , frustration at myself for not questioning it sooner, fear that this has altered me forever in was I don’t even know yet and uncertainty that I might get to the end of my taper only to find out, I really do need medication. All along the way I took the “if it’s not broken, why try to fix it” mentality, without ever realizing it was in fact broken. 

I am a big believer of “we do the best we can with what we know at the time,” so I am trying to look forward and not back. It is going to be a long journey to be free of this medication, and I am not sure what that will lead me, or who I might be. For now I am trying to stay positive. Aside from tapering I know I need to do more. I made my bedtime earlier and more consistent. I have almost entirely cut out alcohol. I still need to do more — exercise more, eat better, etc. but I am moving in the right direction I think. 

Baby steps.